Adjustment

I’ve never made any bones about the fact that I am in recovery – or that I attend recovery meetings. I don’t put my recovery program on blast but I reserve the right to live and speak my truth. I cannot, however, take credit for that truth. All the knowledge I have acquired came from other people. I’ve been doing this recovery thing for almost a decade now; it’s rare I hear something new. But I keep going to meetings because my brain needs regular rewiring. I need to be reminded of the same things over and over…lest I conveniently forget. Over the weekend I heard someone say something that blew my freakin’ mind. Not only had I never heard it before, but it was so painfully simple I was horrified I hadn’t thought of it myself. Are you ready?

Our goal isn’t just to accept life on life’s terms but also to adjust to life on life’s terms.

LOL. Wut? This might not be a life changing revelation for most of you, but I almost rocked out of my chair nodding in recognition. Acceptance has always been a challenge for me (and most of my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery). Why? Because acceptance means we’re not in control. When I’m not in control, things feel uncomfortable. As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I don’t like uncomfortable. For years, I’ve been learning how to practice acceptance. But it never occurred to me to take acceptance one step further and adjust.

Sure, I’ve unwittingly adjusted to many things – but what, I wondered, would it be like if I adjusted to events in my life with intention?

Here’s why this is so important: I can accept life on life’s terms but I don’t have to like it. So I can accept, grumble, and generally choose to be a miserable cow, OR I can take it one step further. Adjustment, to me, signifies actively taking a situation I find to be less than ideal and thriving anyway.

I have to be honest. I have not been adjusting to life very well. In my last post, I talked about how we moved to a new apartment back in November. Well, now we’re moving again. In four more days, I will be sleeping in another new home. Beyond that, I have failed to adjust to my wife’s transition to the night shift. I’ve accepted it. I’ve even done my best to keep my grumbling to a minimum. But it has changed our lives in ways I never could have anticipated. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss our old life. But that life is gone. The home is gone, the schedule is gone, that stage of our lives is gone.

IMG_3564
So in love with our new space. The built-ins! The floors! The columns! The painted tin ceilings! Everything happened for a reason.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that law enforcement and military spouses are pretty tight lipped. We carry our load without fanfare. Some drink to cope. Others have affairs. Still others buy designer bags and luxury cars. If everything looks great on the outside, we can tell ourselves we’ve made it.

That’s not who I want to be. First of all, I don’t like bullshit. I just don’t. I don’t want to perpetuate it or be around it. Anyone who tells you this is a cakewalk is lying. The reason we have brain disorders like addiction is because we don’t effin’ talk about things that matter. Like our (gasp!) fears and our (ugh!) feelings. So there’s that. But secondly, I don’t want my happiness to be contingent on one person. It’s not healthy or fair. My wife deserves better than that. She has plenty of her own stuff to worry about. Contentment should be derived from multiple sources.

Sure, this transition is hard, but that doesn’t mean I have to write off this entire period of our lives as a loss – something to be accepted and endured. It can also be a time of growth and creativity.

I’ve been living in reluctant acceptance for months now. I was planning on hanging out there and maybe even playing the victim. But when that individual talked about adjustment, a light bulb came on in my brain. It was akin to being forced to look in the mirror.  I have choices. Why is it so easy to forget where I have power?

What does adjustment look like? I’m not completely sure. I imagine it’s going to be messy – if not a little ugly. But I have some ideas. A good start will be making our new space into a home. I’d also like to be the mom I’ve always wanted to my dog. Not the exhausted, stressed out catastrophe I’ve been for months. My little boy deserves better, too. Another thing I’ve had to accept is that my sweet baby has some health issues – and I am terrified those health issues could impact the longevity of his life. So I want to make every day a good day.

IMG_3579
Me and my best bud. He makes my heart burst.

I miss the friends I haven’t seen since this craziness started. And there are children in my life for whom I want to be present. There are scrapbooks and photo books I’ve neglected, and memoirs to finish reading. Hell, if I got really motivated I could start my own. If I’m being truthful, though, I should keep it simple. I tend to overcomplicate things with my schemes and expectations. It would be worth celebrating just to get back into a routine or take the car in for its six month service.

I typically don’t compose a post in one sitting, so I took a break to go over to the new place and unpack some boxes. As we drove, I reflected on how change and loss can be so grievous that accepting – let alone adjusting – can seem impossible. We’re lucky that is not the case for us. It’s funny – when you fall prey to self pity, you can always write yourself back to a place of gratitude.

I’m not sure whether it’s the writing or the extra daylight – or maybe the promise of Spring and a beautiful new home – but I feel like I’m finally turning a corner. It’s been one hell of a Winter.